I didn't want this. It wasn't my plan. And yet, when God says move, I move.
By the time I was nearly 12 weeks along with this last pregnancy that by God's sovereign choice was not to continue, no signs of spotting or relief from my severe symptoms of nausea etc, my OB suggested it would be wise to go through a D&C, something I had previously avoided by waiting to miscarry naturally. I'd have to let that sink in as another opinion had told me the waiting to miscarry was really more a matter of patience, something I knew I could continue to muster with the Lord's help.
But this time was different.
These circumstances had raised the bar. My new OB helped me to see that there was much more at stake this time around (like 3x more!) and the clock had been ticking for a while by now, right into the potentially “red” zone for intervention.
After my first miscarriage (which was the same as this fourth one symptomatically) finally began at 14 weeks with what could have really been very serious complications looking back, not to mention 3/4 of a year long recovery afterward (I’m not sure I have or ever will fully recover from that experience this side of Heaven actually.), we realized I was in the same situation here again only with 3 potentially developing placentas this time around.
So we listened. And we were open.
We prayed and sought wisdom and counsel from trusted friends who had experienced D&Cs, and as the doors opened quickly (like within the day), it became clear to both Brodie and me that the Lord was leading us to submit to surgical intervention.
{joyful obedience}
For me, it’s easy to long for natural. After all God is in control! All creation is His! He is able to accomplish all things according to His wisdom, might, power, and love! Yet, He also gives us medical technology and well-trained doctors to help us along here in this moment of history where we happen to live. When I consider where our Bea and Beck would be without such modern help, it’s plain to see that they would likely not be alive today aside from the medical interventions they have received and the medicines that sustain their hearts daily. What a miracle! With this perspective, we can be thankful for the opportunities available to us today. They do serve a purpose and a D&C is one such procedure that we’ve come to see has its time and place.
All things thoughtfully and prayerfully considered, on April 18, 2018, I received my first D&C in a span of 4 consecutive miscarriages. Though it wasn’t easy, especially the build up for this mama who doesn’t like leaving her children and doesn’t like saying goodbyes, by God’s grace it was a successful surgery with a beautiful recovery and just like that, in a matter of 1 day...
It was finished.
And the Lord was with me in the storm and He will never leave and I know that I can trust Him in ALL things, even fiery trials because He is a good, good Father, Creator God and these babies and I are His. He was with us!
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Isaiah 43:2-3
As I walked away from Brodie to pre-op by myself, I wasn’t alone. As I lay on that operating table, the Lord was with me and so was His Word even there! I always tell my children that no one can take God’s Word away from them, even from imprisoned Christians worldwide, if we have hidden it in our hearts! That was true for me yesterday when all I had was a gown. I recited every encouraging section of Scripture to myself that I had memorized. The Lord was my Shepherd and His Word brought me comfort when I was technically very alone. It was a chance to depend on Him in what for me is my weakest place. And He used the dependency to show me more of Himself and His faithfulness so that now my faith can soar all the more!
Nothing is wasted!
And here I am 1 day post-D&C. I ate my first dinner last night with my family without the bitterness of nausea, without fighting back tears through the physical agonies. And oh it was ever so sweet.
. . . . . .
Would I have a D&C again?
Yes, I would. IF my lost pregnancy was following the same course as my first and fourth miscarriages, forging on strong with full pregnancy symptoms at great length and building placenta(s) to the point of needing to weigh consequences with a trustworthy doctor. On the other hand, with my second and third miscarriages my symptoms never fully kicked in and even though I had to wait several weeks until 9 weeks along with my third after discovering the baby was gone back at 6, my body clearly wasn’t progressing and the miscarriage was therefore less complex. In that case all I needed was patience, which the Lord is faithful to give...and, I suppose endurance through the physical realities of miscarriage which even at 9 weeks weren’t minor.
Nevertheless and all that said, yes, I would have another D&C under similar circumstances to my miscarriages 1 and 4, but, I would prefer to wait for a natural miscarriage at home if my body shows evidence of beginning the process or a lack of intense evidence that things were progressing into a time zone that would make medical intervention dangerous or unsuccessful if needed.
The recovery has been miraculously minimal. I am amazed by the stark contrast compared to my other miscarriages! The Lord has given me peace and even physical comfort as I am healing and I feel like I'm moving forward now, full of gratitude and joy!
"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul."
Psalm 94:19
Above all my wisdom, beyond any of my finite experiences, far exceeding any desires
I might have to do things as naturally and organically as possible, I TRUST THE LORD!
Trusting God is by far the greatest good in all of this!
Trusting Him to create life.
Trusting Him to take it.
Trusting Him to comfort me during grief and loss.
Trusting He knows best.
He always does!
"Trust in the Lord will all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6
I always will!
Today, I can move forward in freedom and without regrets of any kind because I know that God has, in His wisdom, ordained every detail that has taken place in my life and most recently with my miscarriages and yesterday's D&C. He has proven this by bringing the events to pass promptly and smoothly and with His wonderful, surpassing peace, protection, and provision. He has been faithful and I know that He always will be! So I will trust Him again and again.
"But this command I gave them: 'Obey my voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be my people.
And walk in all the way that I command you, that it may be well with you.'"
Jeremiah 7:23
