There I was, on the same ultrasound table awaiting confirmation of the same news from the 2 consecutive weeks before...an empty sac. Impending miscarriage. No baby. No heartbeat. Again. My heart was prepared. I wasn't even nervous. I had come to terms with the loss. I am coming to terms with the loss after loss after loss after loss. And yet, what happened next, we couldn't have possibly predicted or been prepared for.
The ultrasound technician didn't say a word. She even sort of dodged my comment about the 2 "halos" in the original gestational sac and the little fetus tucked inside the smaller of the 2. (Wasn't there just 1 empty sac last week??) She finished up and then walked me to the next room where I would wait nearly 30 minutes for the doctor to come in.
I still don't know who was more baffled by the findings of the day, the OB or me.
To our surprise, the ultrasound revealed that in the same sac where we had lost our baby (#4), a twin had been developing alongside! And not only that, a completely separate gestational sac had begun to develop as well...making 3.
3 babies?!
I was most certainly not expecting THAT!
In awe of the Lord that He would create these 3 after our 3 losses this past year was a lot to absorb. True, we were still coming to terms with the loss of the 1 of the 3. But, now there were 2 more! 2 more precious souls and they were ours for that moment and for all eternity they are ours and His, but would they be ours to hold here? We would have to go home and wait 2 more weeks to confirm and we marveled at God's creation.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb."
Psalm 139:13
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb."
Psalm 139:13
. . . . . .
This was not my first wait. It was not my first pause. It was not my first opportunity to trust God in full knowledge of my inability to control even an aspect of my circumstances. And, the letting-go-and-letting-God in my life has often accomplished much good, so why would I reject His craftsmanship? Rather, I chose the wait to produce intimacy with the Father, the only One who could actually know exactly how I've felt here in my flesh as the nausea overwhelms me and the Spirit of God as well. He envelopes me, hides me in the shelter of His wing, understands, cares unlike any other. I sense this deeply and the Word confirms it's true. So I saturate in His presence for a 2 week version of a thousand year wait, anticipating the next telling ultrasound, confident that every detail is already known and designed by a loving Father God, wise and sovereign, worthy. He is worthy, which is exactly why I've found myself here...dependent, trusting, vulnerable, expectant.
He is most certainly worthy.
"You are my hiding place."
Psalm 119:114
. . . . . .
Fast forward 2 weeks...
The time had finally come. I entered the doctor's office that day knowing full well that I could be told I was carrying twins!
...or be told I would need to miscarry 3. It was heavy. But the wait was over.
The ultrasound quickly revealed nearly identical imagery to the previous visit, though this time the sac with the twins had begun to compress. The sac with the third was identical as before and it was clear that all 3 babies were not going to develop.
That took a moment to sink in.
What happened just following will be left unsaid, but God knows. And He cares.
What remains for me now is another grueling wait and after seeing a specialist I can see that this won't be as typical a miscarriage...miscarrying multiples this time around and here I am again, just me, waiting to miscarry for the fourth time in a row. This process so far unfortunately resembles my first miscarriage (except x3). Body pressing on hard with full nausea and a growing womb, babies tucked safely under the Father's wing...in Heaven, with Him. Gone. And here I am again.
And the Lord is near.
Again.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
He is.
I am.
And He is good.
And He is worth it.
And 6 more souls praise Him today and for all eternity because God chose to create life!
From an eternal scope this is perfectly joyous and in fact, the goal after all. What an odd sort of private ministry life I've been wrapped up in this past year and a half. What an honor to participate with the Lord as He orchestrates His plan and builds His eternal family. From that view, I can see clearly. There are 6 more souls for eternity. That is good news! Still, there's an ongoing war with my flesh and an enemy that wants nothing more than to discourage. I won't fall for that. But it's a battle.
"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world."
1 Peter 5:8-9
I push away the voices that taunt and I listen intently for the voice of Truth instead. I know my Father's voice.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me."
John 10:27
I will follow Him...wherever He leads.
I will follow.
The Lord, my Shepherd, has made His will known and He has had His way which I will always submit to because He is a good God, a kind and loving Father. He is wise and He is in control. I know that I can trust His ways, so much higher than mine.
"Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots!
Does the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' or 'Your work has no handles'?"
Isaiah 45:9
I submit. And I'll continue to submit to His plans.
Just clay here.
We've run test after test after test, all of which have turned up negative. There's nothing identifiable at this point that we can be doing in addition to what has already been done and so we accept that the odds are simply stacked against us now due to the natural aging process and the turning of tides as is to be expected. (Anyway, there are no odds to speak of in reality when we understand that there is only the will of God, the God of impossibilities and miracles reigning over all.)
"The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord."
Proverbs 16:33
These things known, we continue to rest in the sovereignty of God and we're certain that if it is His will, then in His time and in His way, He will create life again. No one can snatch from His hand and no one can turn back His plan. I rest in this and choose joy among sorrows, confident that His will is always best.
{joyful obedience}
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
I'm still in awe that He created 3.
3!
That was a new experience for us and what a miracle each single child is!
Oh, I can certainly give thanks even now as I release these 3 back to Him.
They are His. Always were.
By God's grace and with His help, may I deny my flesh and my weaknesses without end as I take up this cross and wait for His healing in His time and may the Lord be glorified in the way that HE chooses to be best as He leads me down this road again for reasons I may not fully understand. But I rest in knowing that He does.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9
He is most certainly worthy.
"You are my hiding place."
Psalm 119:114
. . . . . .
Fast forward 2 weeks...
...or be told I would need to miscarry 3. It was heavy. But the wait was over.
The ultrasound quickly revealed nearly identical imagery to the previous visit, though this time the sac with the twins had begun to compress. The sac with the third was identical as before and it was clear that all 3 babies were not going to develop.
That took a moment to sink in.
What happened just following will be left unsaid, but God knows. And He cares.
What remains for me now is another grueling wait and after seeing a specialist I can see that this won't be as typical a miscarriage...miscarrying multiples this time around and here I am again, just me, waiting to miscarry for the fourth time in a row. This process so far unfortunately resembles my first miscarriage (except x3). Body pressing on hard with full nausea and a growing womb, babies tucked safely under the Father's wing...in Heaven, with Him. Gone. And here I am again.
And the Lord is near.
Again.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
He is.
I am.
And He is good.
And He is worth it.
And 6 more souls praise Him today and for all eternity because God chose to create life!
From an eternal scope this is perfectly joyous and in fact, the goal after all. What an odd sort of private ministry life I've been wrapped up in this past year and a half. What an honor to participate with the Lord as He orchestrates His plan and builds His eternal family. From that view, I can see clearly. There are 6 more souls for eternity. That is good news! Still, there's an ongoing war with my flesh and an enemy that wants nothing more than to discourage. I won't fall for that. But it's a battle.
"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world."
1 Peter 5:8-9
I push away the voices that taunt and I listen intently for the voice of Truth instead. I know my Father's voice.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me."
John 10:27
I will follow Him...wherever He leads.
I will follow.
"Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots!
Does the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' or 'Your work has no handles'?"
Isaiah 45:9
I submit. And I'll continue to submit to His plans.
Just clay here.
We've run test after test after test, all of which have turned up negative. There's nothing identifiable at this point that we can be doing in addition to what has already been done and so we accept that the odds are simply stacked against us now due to the natural aging process and the turning of tides as is to be expected. (Anyway, there are no odds to speak of in reality when we understand that there is only the will of God, the God of impossibilities and miracles reigning over all.)
"The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord."
Proverbs 16:33
These things known, we continue to rest in the sovereignty of God and we're certain that if it is His will, then in His time and in His way, He will create life again. No one can snatch from His hand and no one can turn back His plan. I rest in this and choose joy among sorrows, confident that His will is always best.
{joyful obedience}
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
I'm still in awe that He created 3.
3!
That was a new experience for us and what a miracle each single child is!
Oh, I can certainly give thanks even now as I release these 3 back to Him.
They are His. Always were.
By God's grace and with His help, may I deny my flesh and my weaknesses without end as I take up this cross and wait for His healing in His time and may the Lord be glorified in the way that HE chooses to be best as He leads me down this road again for reasons I may not fully understand. But I rest in knowing that He does.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9
