On January 31st at 5:15am, in the quiet of an otherwise normal early morning solitary rise with the Lord and the sun, the process of saying goodbye to our little gift from Him began. "Alright, here we go. I trust you, Lord. I trust you." My thoughts spoke childlike prayers to my Father as He met me there alone in the dark. "I trust you, Lord. I trust you." And so the miscarriage ensued, naturally, in His perfect timing, here at home as we had prayed it would. Finally, the ending began as we entered a season of moving on...
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Matthew 5:4
The next day began the same, for the most part as I had expected until suddenly there was a dramatic turn of events. I wasn't prepared for what happened next and the details I'd rather forget, but it's safe to say I became scared. I looked down in a weak moment at the howling wind and waves that taunted my fragile heart. My foot slipped and I lost sight of my Rock. My family gathered around me for an hour that felt like a year and we prayed! We cried out to God for His peace and protection and He responded as He is faithful to do. The winds slowed and the waves calmed and eventually peace was restored, though I wept for shame at the fear that had engulfed me in the storm. "Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me for my doubt. How could I ever doubt your goodness?!"
Then, He responded to my frailty with pure love and mercy (as He is faithful to do). He reminded me through His presence and peace and through the words of my loving husband and children that He is my Shepherd and I shall not want. Dear Olia hugged me and asked if she could recite the Scriptures to me. We listened to a song Aida found, Be Still And Know, as Olia recited Psalm 23 over her mama several times while I wept in my daughter's arms. Goodbyes are never easy. But, I was so intently struck by the beauty of the calm after a storm, the way the Lord scoops up His child and embraces with warmth as only He can. To cry tears of comfort in the arms of my own child was quite a special moment of reflection for this mother's heart of mine. It was...beautiful.
Comfort.
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
Psalm 23:1-4
The following day brought near normalcy, such that we wondered if it all could possibly be over, in retrospect, an entirely naïve notion. Brodie and I traveled hours back and forth to see my doctor for an ultrasound only to find out that very little had actually passed in the events of the evening before. Disappointed, but accepting the news, we journeyed back home and were greeted by a hot meal and prayer from beautiful neighbors just as a second incident began. Thank you for such kindness displayed through your thoughtful people, Lord, and so timely! This second evening however, as my body contracted through hours of labor pains, I did not fear. The Lord stood with me and held me up in HIS strength. I know labor. I knew what I was feeling, yet the outcome of such striving being so different this time was somber, sacred? As Brodie stayed with me by a fire into the night, massaging the cramping in my lower back, we were aware that we wouldn't be the same for this trial we've been through together, another notch in our love story.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Isaiah 43:1-3
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Isaiah 43:1-3
In the following days, my body continued to contract and cramp steadily. My heart continued to settle. We kept a quiet pace at home as I labored for our baby. In and out of pain and purge, the Lord was near to this broken heart of mine. He stood by me in secret moments, the only One who could truly know all the details. He stood by me and comforted me as I waited for my closure. Neighbors and friends surrounded us with love and care, meals, constant prayer, Scripture messages. Truly, their thoughtfulness spoke Jesus to our souls. He uses His people to convey Himself and His Word. He met us in this way.
"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
Galatians 6:2
On February 4th, for the first time in 5 days, Brodie stepped out of the house briefly with the older girls. He left little Brodie with me in case of an emergency, but we felt good about him taking them out. (They were headed to let Aida get her goat she had been waiting for and I thought it was a good idea for them to go do something fun in the midst of the difficult days.) Not 15 minutes after they had left, all of a sudden the Lord deemed it was time for delivery. Again, just me and Him. The details of that experience will always be with me, though some of it too, I'd rather forget, and finally it seemed that there was...closure. Was it finished? It was as if my mind wouldn't let my heart believe, yet I hoped that it was indeed finally...finished. Brodie called his daddy for me and they rushed home. I didn't know what to expect next (par for the course in this story). And strangely, what followed was essentially silence. Stillness. Closure?
"He is my steadfast love and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield and he in whom I take refuge."
Psalm 144:2
For the next few days and since it was the weekend, we waited to see the doctor while my body and spirit recovered. Though I continued to bleed and cramp, passing what we hoped were the final pieces of this puzzle, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I also continued to wait for another surprise, defenses up until we had complete closure. And although I had been traumatized to a certain extent by the preceding days, weeks, months, I didn't feel scarred by the trial I'd endured. In fact, I felt available to the Lord. Maybe more than ever before. Clearly, He is in control. Clearly, we are not. I believe that He is sovereign and good and therefore, we can and should trust Him.
"And Mary said, 'Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.'"
Luke 1:38
Being pregnant through the Christmas season, I had often related to the stories of Mary and Elizabeth. Their faith inspired me then and it continues to now as I look to the future from here. May it be to me according to God's will, even when I cannot see as He sees.
"Without faith it is impossible to please God."
Hebrews 11:6
On February 8th, we returned to the doctor for another ultrasound. Though we hoped and had prayed for a clear scan indicating that all of the pregnancy tissue had completely passed on its own, that is not what happened. Instead, we were told that there was still more to go and the doctor may prefer to do a D&C since we had already waited so long and they are careful to prevent infection from setting in at this point. Ironically, my doctor ended up having to leave for a delivery and was unable to see me after my ultrasound. He would call us at home to discuss the results instead, they said. We drove home disappointed, but accepting God's will, and never received that call. Oh, closure, where are you?? We continued to pray that my miscarriage would finish naturally at home, knowing such closure is easy for the Lord, and we waited to hear from the doctor.
The next day, things continued to progress as in the preceding days and around noon we finally heard from the doctor. To our surprise, he actually thought the amount of tissue left was in a range that he was comfortable allowing us to complete the miscarriage naturally at home, an enormous answer to prayer! They could monitor my hCG levels in order to ensure the miscarriage was finished and he said in most cases like mine, that would happen in time. SO, we rejoiced at the good news and thanked the Lord for what felt like a light at the end of the tunnel illuminating something that resembled...closure.
Exhale.
Sort of.
"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
Galatians 6:2
On February 4th, for the first time in 5 days, Brodie stepped out of the house briefly with the older girls. He left little Brodie with me in case of an emergency, but we felt good about him taking them out. (They were headed to let Aida get her goat she had been waiting for and I thought it was a good idea for them to go do something fun in the midst of the difficult days.) Not 15 minutes after they had left, all of a sudden the Lord deemed it was time for delivery. Again, just me and Him. The details of that experience will always be with me, though some of it too, I'd rather forget, and finally it seemed that there was...closure. Was it finished? It was as if my mind wouldn't let my heart believe, yet I hoped that it was indeed finally...finished. Brodie called his daddy for me and they rushed home. I didn't know what to expect next (par for the course in this story). And strangely, what followed was essentially silence. Stillness. Closure?
"He is my steadfast love and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield and he in whom I take refuge."
Psalm 144:2
For the next few days and since it was the weekend, we waited to see the doctor while my body and spirit recovered. Though I continued to bleed and cramp, passing what we hoped were the final pieces of this puzzle, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I also continued to wait for another surprise, defenses up until we had complete closure. And although I had been traumatized to a certain extent by the preceding days, weeks, months, I didn't feel scarred by the trial I'd endured. In fact, I felt available to the Lord. Maybe more than ever before. Clearly, He is in control. Clearly, we are not. I believe that He is sovereign and good and therefore, we can and should trust Him.
"And Mary said, 'Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.'"
Luke 1:38
Being pregnant through the Christmas season, I had often related to the stories of Mary and Elizabeth. Their faith inspired me then and it continues to now as I look to the future from here. May it be to me according to God's will, even when I cannot see as He sees.
"Without faith it is impossible to please God."
Hebrews 11:6
On February 8th, we returned to the doctor for another ultrasound. Though we hoped and had prayed for a clear scan indicating that all of the pregnancy tissue had completely passed on its own, that is not what happened. Instead, we were told that there was still more to go and the doctor may prefer to do a D&C since we had already waited so long and they are careful to prevent infection from setting in at this point. Ironically, my doctor ended up having to leave for a delivery and was unable to see me after my ultrasound. He would call us at home to discuss the results instead, they said. We drove home disappointed, but accepting God's will, and never received that call. Oh, closure, where are you?? We continued to pray that my miscarriage would finish naturally at home, knowing such closure is easy for the Lord, and we waited to hear from the doctor.
The next day, things continued to progress as in the preceding days and around noon we finally heard from the doctor. To our surprise, he actually thought the amount of tissue left was in a range that he was comfortable allowing us to complete the miscarriage naturally at home, an enormous answer to prayer! They could monitor my hCG levels in order to ensure the miscarriage was finished and he said in most cases like mine, that would happen in time. SO, we rejoiced at the good news and thanked the Lord for what felt like a light at the end of the tunnel illuminating something that resembled...closure.
Exhale.
Sort of.
The sting of this closure we've longed for feels not surprisingly bitter sweet, though welcome. I understand God's kind of good. It's often different from mine, but I know how His wisdom soars so far beyond me that I am free to submit. I'm available to accept His plans, because I know and I love His character. He is worthy of my trust. I'm learning even more of that.
"Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength."
Isaiah 40:31
My pregnancy was 13 weeks along on that branding winter day this all began and I would have been 14 weeks by the time the miscarriage actually transpired. I experienced all the nausea, fatigue, cravings, aversions, sleeplessness, even contractions, labor, and a delivery of sorts such as with any viable pregnancy right on up through the very end. My symptoms never waned. I felt the carrying of this baby to the full. It's called a "missed miscarriage" and it's not all that common. I hadn't heard of this type of miscarriage before, but essentially my body forged on as if I was perfectly pregnant, building a sac and healthy placenta in spite of lost life.
"In quietness and in trust shall be your strength."
Isaiah 30:15
"In quietness and in trust shall be your strength."
Isaiah 30:15
To be completely raw, it's been tough. It's been sad, private, quiet, a time to know more of the consolation of my Savior, a time to grow more intimately yoked with Him, a time to pray, press, seek, mourn, grow, rip, mend, be comforted in the hard.
Pruning.
Trust.
Brokenness.
Closure.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
Pruning.
Trust.
Brokenness.
Closure.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
And though we grieve, amazingly, there is a forever soul in heaven! Even now as my flesh continues to purge, there is rejoicing crying out in a place where there is no pain, no suffering, no tears to fall for our baby. Praise the Lord, he or she, created fearfully and wonderfully by our great and loving Father God, was able to enter into His presence for all eternity without ever experiencing the agonies of the fall and I just know that my heartache and physical pain this side of such heavenly bliss has been well worth that reward.
In a strange way, knowing this feels to me like another sort of closure.
In a strange way, knowing this feels to me like another sort of closure.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning,
nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:4
Jesus knows. He understands. He walks with me here and now in the hurting. He cares. He has a plan.
Closure.
Closure.
"But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me."
2 Timothy 4:17
As we turned the corner into February, our Love Month, we planted a new fruit tree in our "children's orchard" to commemorate the life of our little baby. Brodie brought it home the day this all began. It's fitting to plant it at the outset of a brand new month full of hope and potential. New life. Our tree will stand as a reminder of God's creation and His faithfulness through a storm. It will bear fruit eventually and we'll continue to pray the same for our loss. As we tend to our special tree and as we watch it bloom in time, I'm sure the Lord will continue to speak truth into our hearts through the metaphor He gives. Pruning is a fascinating process, after all.
"Be still, and know that I am God."
Psalm 46:10
Gratitude swells, beyond what I could have imagined before.
Gratitude.
It's the word I can't ignore the Lord is teaching me to know more of through this trial. What a miracle each blessed child is! What an honor to raise a little one for Him! What a privilege to be entrusted with their care! Should the Creator bless us again with such a remarkable reward, I think I shall accept with a gratitude that far surpasses any I've known before. Yes, He's already teaching me more.
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
With this on my heart and today on my 41st birthday, in spite of the remaining unknowns, I'm able to settle on closure. I'm able to lay this burden down once and for all with a willing heart to take up the cross I've been given filled with gratitude that outweighs even the gravity of grief. It's a kind of closure that believes it is well no matter what else is around the corner, a closure that celebrates because our baby is with Jesus, a closure that defies the desire for my circumstances to be all neatly tied up with a pretty bow. Indeed, I feel closure of a different kind that bubbles up from deep wellsprings in my soul because I can let go of expectations as I choose to trust that I am in the good, wise, loving hands of my Father God who has a perfect plan for me and my family. In this way and with a newfound lightness of spirit, I choose joy. I choose trust. I choose closure to this chapter even though there's more to go...
Thank you, Lord, for our children you have given, both those of my womb and those of my heart. Thank you for stretching me. It hurts. But it is good. I receive what you have for me now and also in the future with total trust in your wisdom, that which makes mine appear as folly. Forgive me for ever thinking I could somehow know better than you. I get it. I don't. So, I stand in awe and praise you for who you are and what you can do and all that you've done and will continue to do through this broken-vessel-poured-out-me. Thank you for the faithful brothers and sisters in Christ who have carried us through this trial. Thank you for the family you graft in. Thank you for the tears and for collecting them in your bottle. Thank you for knowing and caring deeply through the grief. Thank you for your ability to block out loneliness and fill a void with yourself. Thank you for this deepening experience. Thank you for gratitude and for your omniscience which settles a wandering heart. Thank you for this season of moving on and moving forward from here. Thank you for your friendship that never fails or disappoints. Thank you for who you are! Thank you isn't enough, dear Lord, yet...thank you for this closure.
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!"
Psalm 107:1
Thank you, Lord, for our children you have given, both those of my womb and those of my heart. Thank you for stretching me. It hurts. But it is good. I receive what you have for me now and also in the future with total trust in your wisdom, that which makes mine appear as folly. Forgive me for ever thinking I could somehow know better than you. I get it. I don't. So, I stand in awe and praise you for who you are and what you can do and all that you've done and will continue to do through this broken-vessel-poured-out-me. Thank you for the faithful brothers and sisters in Christ who have carried us through this trial. Thank you for the family you graft in. Thank you for the tears and for collecting them in your bottle. Thank you for knowing and caring deeply through the grief. Thank you for your ability to block out loneliness and fill a void with yourself. Thank you for this deepening experience. Thank you for gratitude and for your omniscience which settles a wandering heart. Thank you for this season of moving on and moving forward from here. Thank you for your friendship that never fails or disappoints. Thank you for who you are! Thank you isn't enough, dear Lord, yet...thank you for this closure.
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!"
Psalm 107:1
(A special thank you to Marcia and Gil for watching our children
so faithfully and often through this time. We are so grateful. Thank you!)
