PRUNING

Woah...I'm wondering if these past few days fall into the "careful what you pray for" category??

 

Earlier this week I wrote about the victory God gave me in an area of stronghold in my life.

I praise Him for how He came through for me that day...and I've been determinedly prayerful that He might
continue to rid me of my specific history-driven fear of loss. He's responding...and I'll be frank. I don't love the process.

 

What I've come to accept in life is that God doesn't zap us with attributes like patience and faith.

No. He grows and grooms Himself into us through a pilgrimage. It's different for us all.

 

For me, this area of struggle which finds it's roots in the seemingly premature loss of my mom when I was a teenager, it rears it's ugly head in my life when I find my own life threatened. My heart aches and bleeds and grapples to protect my loved ones that they wouldn't endure the pain I've known, the loss I've grieved. I don't want heartache like that for them.

 

Yet, the losses of my life have been the very glue that's bound my heart stuck solid to my Savior. These pangs and scars, they've taught me to know the Lord. I must accept God's will and trust Him no matter how pruning the process might be.

 

"Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away,

and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit."

John 15:2

 

And so, this past weekend as I've seen my life flash before my eyes through medical problems that have proven to be too much information for my sensitive mama heart, I've come face to face with my worst fear. God, in His great love for me (I accept this as true), has taken me captive in His grooming process, kicking and screaming, I'll admit.

 

If I want to learn trust, will the Shepherd zap me with trust?
If I ask to know peace, will He snap peace into my heart just like that?

If it's faith like a child that I long to embody, will that faith spontaneously appear?

It could...but I think God writes more creative stories than that.
He squiggles the lines and blurs the road in a way that we find ourselves stretched,
sometimes beyond distention.

 

Ok, I submit. I watch myself learn from my heavenly Father.

 

It hurts.

 

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself,

unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me."

John 15:4

I decide that I'm in and recommit to His pruning. I pray for His strength to carry me in my utter weakness.

How have I found myself here again?! Slow learner?

 

I meditate on Psalm 23 and accept His care for me in this prickly gift. I follow the Good Shepherd. I know His voice. I trust Him more with each concerning step I take, this dependent, foolish sheep I am. Why the concern? He is faithful. I know He is!

 

I seem to waiver and then stand bold. I waffle between the two worlds and thank Him for loving me anyhow.

He knows my faults and flaws and flounderings. He designed me this way for purpose. He's the Author of my story, His story.

And it's all for Him, each breath I breath. I long to know Him more.

 

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."

James 4:8

A friend reminds me that it's alright to tell God when we're having a hard time trusting Him.
The psalmist did. "He can take it," she says. I believe her.

 

Like it or not, He's placed me here in this place where my fears meet my reality.

I can't turn back what's done. He's already started the ball rolling. And He is good, MY Shepherd. No matter what.

It's painful, this grooming process, but God knows what He's doing.
I trust Him, pruning and all.

 

"I am the vine; you are the branches.

Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit,

for apart from me you can do nothing."
John 15:5

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23