In December of 2016, we joyfully announced to our children that we were expecting
the sweetest little Christmas gift...a new baby!
We were thrilled that the Lord had chosen to bless us with a child,
a precious gift and responsibility from and for Him.
Little did we know that even then, as we rejoiced, there was likewise
rejoicing in Heaven as our baby was welcomed home with Jesus.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,
neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:4
In January of 2017, at 10 weeks gestation, we learned via ultrasound that our baby had passed away long before we were aware. It was a shocking reality since I was suffering all the usual debilitating symptoms of my difficult pregnancies and we would later learn that this was because my body was carrying on as if I was pregnant, continuing to build a sac and placenta in spite of the loss of life. We chose to wait for a natural miscarriage, which in the end was a month of what I would consider dependency and worship, fully nauseated physically, weak in my flesh, but strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. In answer to our earnest prayers, my "missed miscarriage" finally began naturally at the 13 week mark and within the week I labored for days and then finally delivered at 14 weeks along in the privacy of our home.
It was heartbreaking.
rejoicing in Heaven as our baby was welcomed home with Jesus.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,
neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:4
In January of 2017, at 10 weeks gestation, we learned via ultrasound that our baby had passed away long before we were aware. It was a shocking reality since I was suffering all the usual debilitating symptoms of my difficult pregnancies and we would later learn that this was because my body was carrying on as if I was pregnant, continuing to build a sac and placenta in spite of the loss of life. We chose to wait for a natural miscarriage, which in the end was a month of what I would consider dependency and worship, fully nauseated physically, weak in my flesh, but strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. In answer to our earnest prayers, my "missed miscarriage" finally began naturally at the 13 week mark and within the week I labored for days and then finally delivered at 14 weeks along in the privacy of our home.
It was heartbreaking.
And pruning.
And life changing.
And growth producing.
And weakening.
And strengthening.
And good...for God's plans are always good, even when they sting.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
In September of 2017, after 8 months of waiting and prayer, we finally conceived again and praised the Lord for His miraculous gift, though sadly I began another miscarriage shortly after. New lessons learned and faith bolstered all the more, we chose to remain willing and available with our fertility, should the Lord have plans for new life again. We/they are His.
Willing, we remained, and the very next month we conceived in October of 2017 only to find out within weeks that the baby would not survive. After 3 weeks of waiting (worship) to miscarry...again...the process finally began naturally at home at 9.5 weeks. It was another grievous loss after loss after loss, and yet, the Lord comforted us and taught us more of His heart through the waiting and the trial.
In February of 2018 we were thrilled to not only find out that I was pregnant again, but also that all of my labs were turning up positive and all was well until...another devastating ultrasound which showed that the baby was not progressing, followed by yet another sorrowful ultrasound the following week. In March, I was told to wait to miscarry again...the most grueling type of waiting I'd say, especially when the nausea continues to debilitate and my body carries on as if pregnant. It is truly heartbreaking and yet, God is good and in control. Then, something very unexpected happened...
At my 8 week ultrasound (3rd follow up), we discovered that in the same sac where our baby had already passed away, a twin had been developing! And not only that, there was a new separate gestational sac as well. Triplets! We couldn't believe it and went home to wait 2 more weeks to confirm...only to find out at the next appointment that all 3 would not make it and I would be waiting to miscarry multiples. It was crushing.
And God is good.
"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you.
Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him."
Romans 12:1
Faithfully, the Lord remains our strength through loss and He has stood by us in our grief. He put a new song in our hearts and increased our compassion in a new way for others sharing our experience. I know how much it meant to me to have the support and stories of others who had endured miscarriage as I have endured mine, so I thought I might add this little spot here to commemorate some of what we journeyed through and learned in hopes of possibly encouraging another.
Willing, we remained, and the very next month we conceived in October of 2017 only to find out within weeks that the baby would not survive. After 3 weeks of waiting (worship) to miscarry...again...the process finally began naturally at home at 9.5 weeks. It was another grievous loss after loss after loss, and yet, the Lord comforted us and taught us more of His heart through the waiting and the trial.
In February of 2018 we were thrilled to not only find out that I was pregnant again, but also that all of my labs were turning up positive and all was well until...another devastating ultrasound which showed that the baby was not progressing, followed by yet another sorrowful ultrasound the following week. In March, I was told to wait to miscarry again...the most grueling type of waiting I'd say, especially when the nausea continues to debilitate and my body carries on as if pregnant. It is truly heartbreaking and yet, God is good and in control. Then, something very unexpected happened...
At my 8 week ultrasound (3rd follow up), we discovered that in the same sac where our baby had already passed away, a twin had been developing! And not only that, there was a new separate gestational sac as well. Triplets! We couldn't believe it and went home to wait 2 more weeks to confirm...only to find out at the next appointment that all 3 would not make it and I would be waiting to miscarry multiples. It was crushing.
And God is good.
By the time I was nearly 12 weeks along with no signs of spotting or relief from my severe pregnancy symptoms of nausea etc, my OB suggested it would be wise to go through with a D&C, something I had previously avoided by waiting to miscarry naturally. But this time was different. After my first miscarriage (which was the same as this one symptomatically) began at 14 weeks with what could have potentially been very serious complications, not to mention 3/4 of a year long recovery, we realized I was in the same situation only with 3 developing placentas this time. The doors opened quickly (like within the day) and it was clear the Lord was leading me to have surgical intervention this time around.
And so, on April 18, 2018, I had my first D&C. By God’s grace it was a successful surgery
with a beautiful recovery and just like that, in a matter of 1 day...it was finished.
And the Lord was with me in the storm and He will never leave and I know that I can trust Him in ALL things, even fiery trials because He is a good, good Father, Creator God and these babies and I are His. Nothing is wasted!
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Isaiah 43:2-3
After those first 4 miscarriages, I went on to have 4 more. October, 2018 (at 6 weeks). April, 2019 (at 5 weeks). June, 2019 (at 10 weeks with a surprise D&C). October, 2019 (at 8 weeks). Each baby (10 in all) was a gift from God who rejoices with Him now! I praise the Lord for the lives He created even though each loss broke my heart into a few more pieces. On miscarriage number 7, when I reached the point of having as many miscarriages as I had normal pregnancies, I couldn't say at that point it had gotten any easier with each one, but what I could say was that I had learned a submission to God's will and an acceptance through the endurance of continued loss that I pray will continually bear good fruit in His time. I hope I can be a source of strength for another grieving, hopeful mother. I lean into Jesus even more. He understands so perfectly and I accept both gain and loss from Him.
"'Shall we indeed accept good from God, and not adversity?'
In all this, Job did not sin with his lips."
Job 2:10
Isaiah 43:2-3
After those first 4 miscarriages, I went on to have 4 more. October, 2018 (at 6 weeks). April, 2019 (at 5 weeks). June, 2019 (at 10 weeks with a surprise D&C). October, 2019 (at 8 weeks). Each baby (10 in all) was a gift from God who rejoices with Him now! I praise the Lord for the lives He created even though each loss broke my heart into a few more pieces. On miscarriage number 7, when I reached the point of having as many miscarriages as I had normal pregnancies, I couldn't say at that point it had gotten any easier with each one, but what I could say was that I had learned a submission to God's will and an acceptance through the endurance of continued loss that I pray will continually bear good fruit in His time. I hope I can be a source of strength for another grieving, hopeful mother. I lean into Jesus even more. He understands so perfectly and I accept both gain and loss from Him.
"'Shall we indeed accept good from God, and not adversity?'
In all this, Job did not sin with his lips."
Job 2:10
. . . . . .
So, where do we go from here?
It’s a question I’m often asked.
Well, considering all the doctors and labs have concluded that there is nothing wrong with my health and nothing causing the miscarriages except most likely chromosome abnormalities due to age, we know our losses are just a matter of (ultimately) God’s will and the natural course of time in a fallen world. And since typically, in our culture today women aren’t commonly conceiving in their 40s, we don’t hear many stories of recurrent miscarriage in the later years of child bearing, though I have been assured it is actually the normal course. I definitely think that if continued conception were the norm, we would see a lot more miscarriages. Certainly, loss is a sad part of the end of the fertility years, but I’d say even our losses are still full of blessings! I wouldn’t trade the pruning and all that being said, whatever the Lord chooses moving forward we know that it is good…
If He should bless us again with a child we don’t get to hold and raise here on earth, we will praise Him still! If He should bless us with a child we do get to hold and raise here on earth we would be abundantly grateful! That is still our hearts' desire even now, and my faith has only increased through the trials. In fact, I marvel knowing of the eternal souls who rejoice with Him in Paradise today!! They are the real blessed ones! And, Heaven has never seemed so near or so sweet! I’d say that realization is one of the dearest treasured lessons given by the Lord through this season of miscarriage, loss, comfort, and grief.
Praise Him! He is good! He is worthy of my trust!
Where do I go from here?
I keep trusting Jesus.
Praise Him! He is good! He is worthy of my trust!
Where do I go from here?
I keep trusting Jesus.
Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him."
Romans 12:1
Faithfully, the Lord remains our strength through loss and He has stood by us in our grief. He put a new song in our hearts and increased our compassion in a new way for others sharing our experience. I know how much it meant to me to have the support and stories of others who had endured miscarriage as I have endured mine, so I thought I might add this little spot here to commemorate some of what we journeyed through and learned in hopes of possibly encouraging another.
"Encourage one another."
1 Thessalonians 5:11
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction,
with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
1 Thessalonians 5:11
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction,
with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
If you or someone you know is experiencing the grief of a miscarriage, know that you are not alone. The Lord is with you and He will help you through the pain, both physical and emotional, because He cares for you...deeply.
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
Here is a bit of my journaling through my miscarriages and beyond:
. . . . . .
WILLING (MISCARRIAGE AFTER MISCARRIAGE)
LESSONS (AFTER MISCARRIAGE)
4
4,5,6 (MISCARRYING MULTIPLES)
D&C
7
SURPRISE D&C
HOW HE WORKS
PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS REMEMBRANCE DAY (2019)
TRUST (PREGNANT AFTER MISCARRIAGE)
MY RAINBOW BABY
MY HEART IS FULL
. . . . . .
"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:21
Praise the Lord, it is well with my soul.
(Holding Jude, whose name means "praise to the Lord!"...
my rainbow baby after 8 consecutive miscarriages, June 2020)
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Matthew 5:4
