Life is full of waiting...
Over the years, I've come to realize that although (to my chagrin) it's never going to be easy to wait, as the Lord graciously allows us to exercise our "waiting muscles", in contrast to my perception of loss, it does somehow get easier to wait the more we trust in Him.
"Wait for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14
Psalm 27:14
I think back on my unsanctified impatience in the early days of learning how to wait. I consider the growing pains, stretching, ripping?! of my fumbling introduction...and I can see that by God's grace and through much toil, I have come to consider waiting upon the Lord an invitation to worship and spend time saturating in the practice of trusting Him.
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us."
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us."
Psalm 62:5-8
Waiting...to miscarry...is a new type of waiting for me. I haven't done this before. I feel wobbly and inexperienced in this realm of motherhood/pregnancy, and being terribly nauseous still doesn't help any, if I'm honest. And yet, though circumstances vary from the waiting I've endured before (in some seasons for the course of many years!), I can see endurance the Lord has built up over time. I can feel the trust He gives. I can sing the song He sings. I can sense His control and my obvious lack thereof. Indeed, it is good to wait upon the Lord, knowing His timing and plans are wise, best. And what a privilege to suffer anyhow for the sake of one more soul in heaven rejoicing for all eternity with Jesus! Yes, this is worth it all and He's working on me too while I wait.
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust."
Psalm 40:1-4
So as I wait and press in to the One who scripts the future, there is rest for this soul of mine in the refuge of the Lord. He gives a peace that is not of this world. He satisfies with Himself. He helps me when I'm weak, knowing He is strong. And, He settles a quiet heart within me, so long as my gaze remains fixed steadfast upon Him. Practically speaking, I don't find myself counting seconds until the process begins. In fact, I'd much rather carry on with life as usual, yet prayerful with intention. We pray and ask the Lord to intervene and heal, but we trust that He knows when. We know, by faith, that He has purpose in all things, including timing and this knowing offers peace.
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."
Isaiah 26:3-4
As days turn into weeks of waiting for closure to this loss, it's a safe and comforting feeling to release my desires to Jesus. It's a daily letting go and an intentional fixation on the Word that allows my heart to be still. It's a decision to let go and let God be God, to think of Him, not me. The clock ticks and the calendar scrolls. The sun rises and then sets, again. Yet through it all, there is a constant Friend, sticking closer than a brother and He loves and comforts and satisfies and holds me in the shelter of His wing as I'm here in the waiting...
"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy."
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy."
Psalm 63:1-7
