TRUST (PREGNANT AFTER MISCARRIAGE)

It's been 3 years since my first miscarriage now, which was followed by the second...then third...then fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth losses all in a row. It's been a season that's brought with it many life lessons we couldn't have learned aside from the pain of the great loss after loss, and it's not been without scars. But it's the thorns, the bumps and bruises along the way that seem to break us down the most in God's good way, decompose what needs refinement. Yes, the Lord has had His way in our hearts and added yet a few more layers to our walk with Him, increasing all the more our trust.

I wouldn't change it, though it burns.

"Take away the dross from the silver, and the smith has material for a vessel."

Proverbs 25:4

We went into our pregnancies that ended in miscarriage full of hope and expectation. We enter this new one just the same, but with those extra layers piled on thick. Being human and all, it lends itself to the dilemma of fighting off things like fear, intimidation, "what if" scenarios. It just does. But the real questions are:

What do we do with our fear?

How should we respond to our human frailty?

"What if" God's will for me is to cling to Him in the "what ifs"?

Trust.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

It's only natural after something as devastating as miscarriage (and repeated miscarriage after miscarriage) to enter a new pregnancy with trepidation. It just is. Yet, I can see through God's Word that I ought to train myself to trust Him more instead of fall prey to fear. I have the Sword of the Spirit (the Bible) and it teaches me my offensive strategy...to read it. Believe it. Own the promises of Scripture. Memorize them. Hide them in my heart. Speak of them often and have faith that God's Word is true, then obey it. It is wise to be still, let Him fight for me and comfort me. It's a discipline of sorts, a practice-till-we-get-it type of deal and I'm bent on learning more so I choose trust. I choose to remain willing.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."
Proverbs 3:5

When my heart fails me, I will trust.

When my flesh flails weak, trust.

When I waffle, more and more trust.

Default trust, Anna. Default trust.

He is worthy!
(I preach this to myself.)

And somehow the work out gradually produces more and more natural trust.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:25-26

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:4

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe."
Proverbs 18:10

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid."
Psalm 56:3-4

Indeed, the Lord has proved His faithfulness to us in deeply personal ways time and time again and thus, we choose to and know that we can trust the Creator of life more than ever here and now because we've seen how His plans are always good, even when they singe. It's His Refiner's fire after all that exposes the useful vessel and in wanting more of Him, more of that, I ought not reject His holy craftsmanship.

"Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for

honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work."

2 Timothy 2:21

God has blessed us with new life and He has chosen to create. So we trust Him to know what's best for HIS creation and we thank Him for the gift, in awe that He would bless us so sweetly after all we've lost.

Thank you, Lord, for this answer to our prayers! Thank you for this blessed, precious gift!

Gratitude.

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him."
Psalm 127:3

Trust.

It's the reason I find myself pregnant again, and me here 43.

Trust.

It's the fuel which reminds me that my baby and I are safe in the hands of God.

Trust.

His will is perfect.

Trust.

It's the worthiness of the One we place our hope in that allows our souls to rest.

Trust.

It's the constant catalyst to the peaceful, assured heart of a child.

Trust.

Just trust Him.

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
Psalm 20:7

I am a child of God. He is my heavenly Father. He loves me. I can trust Him.

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear,
but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'"
Romans 8:15

And so we step. We've committed our hearts to trust. We've made a covenant with the Lord. He is so wise. We've chosen to accept and revere His rightful place as Author of our (His) story and Giver (even Taker) of life. We receive ALL that He has for us in His name and in His way and we pour ourselves out as an offering, living sacrifice according to His will. May these simple acts, these little leaps, bring glory to the Lord and may He be honored above all by trembling trust.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice,

holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."

Romans 12:1

"And Mary said, 'Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.'"

Luke 1:38