PRECIOUS WILLOW IS 3!!!

...and as precious as ever!

Willow had a whole big plan for her birthday cake this year.

Pink, round, "sprinklers", and lots and LOTS of strawberries!!

Her big bday cake dreams came true and she was delighted!

{Willow is uncontainably ADORED by her siblings!!}

{ALL of them}

They all pitched in to buy her a precious gift with Scripture encouragement and goodies for her Bible.

(She LOVED it!)

Her special gift from Mommy and Daddy was a play kitchen because she loves to cook.

She hasn't stopped cooking since.

. . . . . .

Willow is...

precious

adorable

lovable

precious

incredibly smart

joyful

precious

a girl with a plan

affectionate

precious

obedient

tender

precious

a sweetheart

artistic

precious

a nature lover

an animal lover

precious

diligent

delicious

precious

...3!!!

Oh dearest precious Willow, it is hard to put into words the JOY 

that you bring to our entire family every minute of every day.

You are truly a gift from the Lord of the sweetest, most incredible kind.

You are adored,

cherished,

cared for,

loved.

Always have been...

...always will be.

Happy 3rd Birthday to the Precious Willow Love!!!

Your companionship has been one of the most treasured blessings I have ever received from the Lord.

(I will always cherish our naps together.)

We couldn't possibly love you more, little one.

XOXOXO

"You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you."

Isaiah 43:4

D&C

I didn't want this. It wasn't my plan. And yet, when God says move, I move.

By the time I was nearly 12 weeks along with this last pregnancy that by God's sovereign choice was not to continue, no signs of spotting or relief from my severe symptoms of nausea etc, my OB suggested it would be wise to go through a D&C, something I had previously avoided by waiting to miscarry naturally. I'd have to let that sink in as another opinion had told me the waiting to miscarry was really more a matter of patience, something I knew I could continue to muster with the Lord's help.

But this time was different.

These circumstances had raised the bar. My new OB helped me to see that there was much more at stake this time around (like 3x more!) and the clock had been ticking for a while by now, right into the potentially “red” zone for intervention.

After my first miscarriage (which was the same as this fourth one symptomatically) finally began at 14 weeks with what could have really been very serious complications looking back, not to mention 3/4 of a year long recovery afterward (I’m not sure I have or ever will fully recover from that experience this side of Heaven actually.), we realized I was in the same situation here again only with 3 potentially developing placentas this time around.

So we listened. And we were open.

We prayed and sought wisdom and counsel from trusted friends who had experienced D&Cs, and as the doors opened quickly (like within the day), it became clear to both Brodie and me that the Lord was leading us to submit to surgical intervention.

{joyful obedience}

For me, it’s easy to long for natural. After all God is in control! All creation is His! He is able to accomplish all things according to His wisdom, might, power, and love! Yet, He also gives us medical technology and well-trained doctors to help us along here in this moment of history where we happen to live. When I consider where our Bea and Beck would be without such modern help, it’s plain to see that they would likely not be alive today aside from the medical interventions they have received and the medicines that sustain their hearts daily. What a miracle! With this perspective, we can be thankful for the opportunities available to us today. They do serve a purpose and a D&C is one such procedure that we’ve come to see has its time and place.

All things thoughtfully and prayerfully considered, on April 18, 2018, I received my first D&C in a span of 4 consecutive miscarriages. Though it wasn’t easy, especially the build up for this mama who doesn’t like leaving her children and doesn’t like saying goodbyes, by God’s grace it was a successful surgery with a beautiful recovery and just like that, in a matter of 1 day...

It was finished.

And the Lord was with me in the storm and He will never leave and I know that I can trust Him in ALL things, even fiery trials because He is a good, good Father, Creator God and these babies and I are His. He was with us!

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Isaiah 43:2-3

As I walked away from Brodie to pre-op by myself, I wasn’t alone. As I lay on that operating table, the Lord was with me and so was His Word even there! I always tell my children that no one can take God’s Word away from them, even from imprisoned Christians worldwide, if we have hidden it in our hearts! That was true for me yesterday when all I had was a gown. I recited every encouraging section of Scripture to myself that I had memorized. The Lord was my Shepherd and His Word brought me comfort when I was technically very alone. It was a chance to depend on Him in what for me is my weakest place. And He used the dependency to show me more of Himself and His faithfulness so that now my faith can soar all the more! 

Nothing is wasted!

And here I am 1 day post-D&C. I ate my first dinner last night with my family without the bitterness of nausea, without fighting back tears through the physical agonies. And oh it was ever so sweet.

. . . . . .

Would I have a D&C again?

Yes, I would. IF my lost pregnancy was following the same course as my first and fourth miscarriages, forging on strong with full pregnancy symptoms at great length and building placenta(s) to the point of needing to weigh consequences with a trustworthy doctor. On the other hand, with my second and third miscarriages my symptoms never fully kicked in and even though I had to wait several weeks until 9 weeks along with my third after discovering the baby was gone back at 6, my body clearly wasn’t progressing and the miscarriage was therefore less complex. In that case all I needed was patience, which the Lord is faithful to give...and, I suppose endurance through the physical realities of miscarriage which even at 9 weeks weren’t minor.

Nevertheless and all that said, yes, I would have another D&C under similar circumstances to my miscarriages 1 and 4, but, I would prefer to wait for a natural miscarriage at home if my body shows evidence of beginning the process or a lack of intense evidence that things were progressing into a time zone that would make medical intervention dangerous or unsuccessful if needed.

The recovery has been miraculously minimal. I am amazed by the stark contrast compared to my other miscarriages! The Lord has given me peace and even physical comfort as I am healing and I feel like I'm moving forward now, full of gratitude and joy!

"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul."

Psalm 94:19

Above all my wisdom, beyond any of my finite experiences, far exceeding any desires

I might have to do things as naturally and organically as possible, I TRUST THE LORD!

Trusting God is by far the greatest good in all of this!

Trusting Him to create life.

Trusting Him to take it.

Trusting Him to comfort me during grief and loss.

Trusting He knows best.

He always does!

"Trust in the Lord will all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6

I always will!

Today, I can move forward in freedom and without regrets of any kind because I know that God has, in His wisdom, ordained every detail that has taken place in my life and most recently with my miscarriages and yesterday's D&C. He has proven this by bringing the events to pass promptly and smoothly and with His wonderful, surpassing peace, protection, and provision. He has been faithful and I know that He always will be! So I will trust Him again and again.

"But this command I gave them: 'Obey my voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be my people.

And walk in all the way that I command you, that it may be well with you.'"

Jeremiah 7:23

4,5,6 (MISCARRYING MULTIPLES)

There I was, on the same ultrasound table awaiting confirmation of the same news from the 2 consecutive weeks before...an empty sac. Impending miscarriage. No baby. No heartbeat. Again. My heart was prepared. I wasn't even nervous. I had come to terms with the loss. I am coming to terms with the loss after loss after loss after loss. And yet, what happened next, we couldn't have possibly predicted or been prepared for.

The ultrasound technician didn't say a word. She even sort of dodged my comment about the 2 "halos" in the original gestational sac and the little fetus tucked inside the smaller of the 2. (Wasn't there just 1 empty sac last week??) She finished up and then walked me to the next room where I would wait nearly 30 minutes for the doctor to come in.

I still don't know who was more baffled by the findings of the day, the OB or me.

To our surprise, the ultrasound revealed that in the same sac where we had lost our baby (#4), a twin had been developing alongside! And not only that, a completely separate gestational sac had begun to develop as well...making 3.

3 babies?!

I was most certainly not expecting THAT!

In awe of the Lord that He would create these 3 after our 3 losses this past year was a lot to absorb. True, we were still coming to terms with the loss of the 1 of the 3. But, now there were 2 more! 2 more precious souls and they were ours for that moment and for all eternity they are ours and His, but would they be ours to hold here? We would have to go home and wait 2 more weeks to confirm and we marveled at God's creation.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb."
Psalm 139:13

. . . . . .

This was not my first wait. It was not my first pause. It was not my first opportunity to trust God in full knowledge of my inability to control even an aspect of my circumstances. And, the letting-go-and-letting-God in my life has often accomplished much good, so why would I reject His craftsmanship? Rather, I chose the wait to produce intimacy with the Father, the only One who could actually know exactly how I've felt here in my flesh as the nausea overwhelms me and the Spirit of God as well. He envelopes me, hides me in the shelter of His wing, understands, cares unlike any other. I sense this deeply and the Word confirms it's true. So I saturate in His presence for a 2 week version of a thousand year wait, anticipating the next telling ultrasound, confident that every detail is already known and designed by a loving Father God, wise and sovereign, worthy. He is worthy, which is exactly why I've found myself here...dependent, trusting, vulnerable, expectant.

He is most certainly worthy.

"You are my hiding place."
Psalm 119:114

. . . . . .

Fast forward 2 weeks...

The time had finally come. I entered the doctor's office that day knowing full well that I could be told I was carrying twins!
...or be told I would need to miscarry 3. It was heavy. But the wait was over.

The ultrasound quickly revealed nearly identical imagery to the previous visit, though this time the sac with the twins had begun to compress. The sac with the third was identical as before and it was clear that all 3 babies were not going to develop.

That took a moment to sink in.

What happened just following will be left unsaid, but God knows. And He cares.

What remains for me now is another grueling wait and after seeing a specialist I can see that this won't be as typical a miscarriage...miscarrying multiples this time around and here I am again, just me, waiting to miscarry for the fourth time in a row. This process so far unfortunately resembles my first miscarriage (except x3). Body pressing on hard with full nausea and a growing womb, babies tucked safely under the Father's wing...in Heaven, with Him. Gone. And here I am again.

And the Lord is near.

Again.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

He is.

I am.

And He is good.

And He is worth it.

And 6 more souls praise Him today and for all eternity because God chose to create life!

From an eternal scope this is perfectly joyous and in fact, the goal after all. What an odd sort of private ministry life I've been wrapped up in this past year and a half. What an honor to participate with the Lord as He orchestrates His plan and builds His eternal family. From that view, I can see clearly. There are 6 more souls for eternity. That is good news! Still, there's an ongoing war with my flesh and an enemy that wants nothing more than to discourage. I won't fall for that. But it's a battle.

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world."
1 Peter 5:8-9

I push away the voices that taunt and I listen intently for the voice of Truth instead. I know my Father's voice.

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me."
John 10:27

I will follow Him...wherever He leads.

I will follow.

The Lord, my Shepherd, has made His will known and He has had His way which I will always submit to because He is a good God, a kind and loving Father. He is wise and He is in control. I know that I can trust His ways, so much higher than mine.

"Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots!
Does the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' or 'Your work has no handles'?"
Isaiah 45:9

I submit. And I'll continue to submit to His plans.

Just clay here.

We've run test after test after test, all of which have turned up negative. There's nothing identifiable at this point that we can be doing in addition to what has already been done and so we accept that the odds are simply stacked against us now due to the natural aging process and the turning of tides as is to be expected. (Anyway, there are no odds to speak of in reality when we understand that there is only the will of God, the God of impossibilities and miracles reigning over all.)

"The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord."
Proverbs 16:33

These things known, we continue to rest in the sovereignty of God and we're certain that if it is His will, then in His time and in His way, He will create life again. No one can snatch from His hand and no one can turn back His plan. I rest in this and choose joy among sorrows, confident that His will is always best.

{joyful obedience}

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18

I'm still in awe that He created 3.

3!

That was a new experience for us and what a miracle each single child is!

Oh, I can certainly give thanks even now as I release these 3 back to Him.

They are His. Always were.

By God's grace and with His help, may I deny my flesh and my weaknesses without end as I take up this cross and wait for His healing in His time and may the Lord be glorified in the way that HE chooses to be best as He leads me down this road again for reasons I may not fully understand. But I rest in knowing that He does.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

BABY GOATS

...are THE cutest!

It's such a joy to have more jumpy, twirly, adorable baby goats around here again!

{non-stop cuddles}

(especially from Willow)

Farm life = constant adventures and lessons in God's amazing creation!

There's never a dull moment and we love it all...can't wait to experience even more!

"In His hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind."

Job 12:10